the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
