My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
