mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
