you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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