I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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