ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
