the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Boobs speak an international language.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
