Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
