My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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