The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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