he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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