last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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