my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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