Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
