It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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