Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
