You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Randomize
