I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
