I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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