awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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