all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize