So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
