New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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