I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize