im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
