I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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