Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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