I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My ass is underappreciated
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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