I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just gift wrapped bread.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
