I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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