New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
