Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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