I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Randomize
