16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize