Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
