I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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