i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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