So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
