THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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