And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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