I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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