The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
