i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
