Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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