wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
