Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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