It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
