alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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