Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
