Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
