Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize