I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
