last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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