I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize