i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
