Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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