You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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