I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
