Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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