you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
