I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
