you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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