I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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