Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
